As I sit here at 1:00am wondering why I am still awake, I have realized that this has been an ugly few days . . .
I’m Bringing Ugly Back #1
Ever have one of the Sunday sermons that was just not on or just plain sucked? Yeah, sure, there is always something somewhere for someone. God works through us even when we don’t know how. One never knows how the Spirit will work. Yada yada yada blah blah blah. Sometimes we preachers are just not good and even God is thinking, “What the . . . ?” Whether it be poor preparation, overextension, over-reliance on competency or in my case for this Sunday, all of the above, we all have off days where it just feels like the Spirit just took the day off . . . by my lack of posting the Vodcast you can tell how I felt about Sunday.
I’m Bringing Ugly Back #2
First, let me tell you that because I am an eldest-child/enneagram 3/Type A/Overachiever kind of person, admitting to this next one in public is not easy. Here it goes . . . I had to ask for an extension today for one of my mid-term papers. After finishing one earlier in the week, I just could not carve out the time to get the other one done. I believe in all of my undergrad and seminary years I never requested an extension, but yet, first semester back in school and what-do-ya-know, extension time baby. I must admit, starting school and remaining balanced with church, family, self, etc has been harder than expected. Who’s idea was this again?!?!?!?
I’m Bringing Ugly Back #3
Again, keeping in mind the above self-description, it is freaking me out that I have over 50 undealt-with eMails staring at me with those little beady “I can’t believe you are just letting me sit here, you freaking loser, slacker guy. And you call yourself a pastor . . .” eyes. Make the voices stop!
While I certainly have felt a little overwhelmed and overextended as of late, what has saved me from self destructing, my brain exploding or just curling up in a ball in the corner, is the understanding somewhere in the core of my being that it will all be okay and most of the judgments that I or my eMails make about my character and performance are inconsequential to most other folks and more importantly, to God.
So . . . I press on, trusting God not just to stay afloat, but to guide, support and lead me to thrive, grow and continue to find peace of heart, mind and spirit in the midst of a life and world of chaos. At least that is what I keep telling myself 😉
I’m going to bed.