I felt bad as a friend was visiting from out of town and I had a hard time focusing on her visit. Too many things running around my head: budgets, blogs, church, etc. I even made her go to church with me while I and others continued our work unpacking from our move. Now don’t get me wrong, this is so about me. I KNOW that I just need to let go and assert my boundaries. But . . . that darn eldest, type-A, Enneagram-3 part of me just wants to keep going and going and going. It is doubly difficult because I so enjoy the interaction that has come into my life because of the whole moderator thing. I love the church I serve. I love volunteering at the school. I love the chaos. Life is pretty good.
But today was one of those days that I felt done with it all. Too many expectations, too many pulls on my life and too many eMails. Now usually I love the pace at which my life has been as of late. My spiritual director once told me that I loved sitting just under the wave. That place where, at any moment, the wave may crash down, but when I am in a groove, I stay just inside it like a surfer riding the tube. Usually I find great joy and life [AKA GOD] in that place. Well after being unplugged for most of today as I sat down to answer the day’s eMail, read blogs and catch up on twitterings, I just wanted to jump off the board and let the wave come on crashing down.
I know that in the midst of all of this, my own expectations of myself get the best of me. YOU all don’t care how quickly I respond to eMails and or blog comments. If I never did, most folks would never notice. My American-ness come as I so often believe my worth comes from what I accomplish, my success and my efficiency. I know in my head that is not the case, but sometimes it is hard to know that in my actions.
And so I sit there feeling the resentment build about my own lack of being able to find my worth in simply being faithful to God’s call on my life . . . none of which has anything to do with the speed in which I respond people.
Then I am reminded by one of the other spiritual directors in my life when she comes running over to me as I am hunched over the laptop feeling obligated.
I feel better now.
I am loved.