Below is a chapter from Rule #2: Don’t Be an Asshat: An Official Handbook for Raising Parents and Children. Over time we will be posting most of the book, though, should this inspire you to buy a copy, we would not be offended 🙂 Posted chapters can be found in the Table of Contents.

Rule #81: Fart (Dad)

Everyone does it. Embrace it. Let your fart flag wave!

So as not to embarrass you kids any more than I already have, I’m going to use the dogs as examples when it comes to the art of the butt trumpets. Both Fawn (chiweenie: chihuahua and dachshund mix) and Vespa (English bull terrier) embody the best and worst of acceptable farting practices.

First off, both Fawn and Vespa have healthy and active sphincter sirens and their flatulence can occur at any moment. There is no rhyme or reason to their tooting, only that when their bodies say, “Pass the gas,” they oblige. And just as they have differing personalities, each cuts the cheese in unique ways: Fawn’s dainty frame emits puffs that are more like teeny tiny hiney hiccups than full-out rump roars, while Vespa’s back-end blowouts are loud and proud. And yes, both stink up the place, often clearing the couch area if not the entire room.

But what the dogs do not have a grasp on—and humans should be able to—are the concepts of consideration, discretion, and control. While we don’t want to shame anyone about their bodily functions, when you feel one coming on, walk into the other room, open a window, or at least find a corner far away from any breathing life forms. Again, dogs do not have the capacity to understand consideration, discretion, and control, but you, my human daughters, you do.

Now that you know the difference between canine cheek squeaks and human hootie honkers, please fart accordingly.

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