If I am completely honest with myself — and not in a "look at how self-aware I am" self-deprecatory way — when it comes right down to it, I am pretty judgmental.
When it comes to humans, there is a fine line between being judgmental and having good judgment. I believe I have pretty good instincts about people; even so, like most people, I can easily cross that line. For those who know me, "judgmental" in the traditional sense may not be the first thing that comes to mind. I am not one to be quick, cutting, and unfiltered in my assessments of people . . . at least not out loud or about things that are often perceived as easy targets of judgment: appearance, ability, politics, fashion, etc. I don't engage much in tearing people up and ad hominem attacks, and I have really worked on limiting my professional shit-talking . . . well, unless they really deserve it.
Damn it. See. It's really hard to stop.
One of the places where I do judge, and judge harshly, is how people view the world, especially when that lens is different from mine. I view the world primarily and initially through the lens of curiosity and possibility. This is how I see people when I first meet them, then spaces I first step into, and conflicts that arise before me — it's pretty much how I move through the world. It is how my heart, mind, and soul are built. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I think, "what if" or "what about" instead of "no" when presented with a question or alternative, and when there is conflict in front of me, I try not to engage in ways that escalate or expend energy that I do not feel the situation warrants. While some see this as naive and may even accuse me of toxic positivity (Boo!), I have always felt it as a meaningful way to move through the world.
But, as I have come to learn and appreciate, it is not for everyone, nor should it be.
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My judgment especially comes into play when others do not approach the world the same way I do. When people view the world through a lens perceived as suspicious, negative, or resistant, I judge and I judge hard. I then get annoyed and frustrated so much that my own curiosity gets choked out. Worse yet, when someone reacts to a suggestion or a situation with a strong oppositional reaction or they start ripping someone up for something, I often think to myself, "Wow, look at me. I'm such a positive, non-anxious presence." Pretty sure I strain my arm every time I pat myself on the back. Geez, what a jackass. For so long, I have held the arrogant idea that it must be exhausting to carry around such fear, negativity, and judgment about people and the world. Now, I am sure in some cases, this is absolutely true, but most of the time, I think this is a condescending and arrogant assessment of how others approach the world, and a dangerous assumption to be perceived as "negative" is always and forever negative.
Heck, there is an entire Saturday Night Live character built on this idea.
I recently realized that it was not, when, for the millionth time, I was lamenting and stewing over a frustrating negative reaction I received during a recent conversation. All of a sudden, this light came on as I was sliding into that, "Gosh, it must suck to walk through life seeing the world and others like that," when I realized how much energy I was spending on passing judgment on the way another person views the world. As if the way that I view the world is the only and the best way to view the world.
Shocker, it is not.
Might seeing the world with some initial skepticism, questioning, and caution always be perceived as bad? Certainly not. I am now having to shift how I hear what is being said, how I react, and whether I need to give it as much energy as I would have previously. Sure, sometimes I need to walk away because it is legit exhausting, but most of the time now, I see it as just another way someone sees the world. I may not understand it or agree with it, but I do not have to or need to; I also don't need to judge someone for it.
And if you are curious: Myers-Briggs: ENFP, Enneagram 3/4w, and CliftonStrengths: Strategic, Communication, Empathy, Activator, Woo
Of course, there are times when all approaches in life deserve more attention than others. Sometimes we need folks to flex their possibility and curiosity muscle, while at other times we really need folks to have their suspicion antennae on high alert. Like so many things in life, diverse ways of being and seeing the world are nine times out of 10 going to make our lives better, not worse.
Peace,
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