The Liberating Nature of ReEmbracing My Calling

Here is a little personal reflection/update for your weekend reading.

I have always tried to be more teachable today than I was yesterday, and honestly, sometimes that self-reflective approach to life can be a pain in the patooti. Can't I just "be done" and not have to adapt, change, or evolve anymore? Ugh.

I was recently at an event where we were asked to reflect on Marshall Ganz's Questions of the Story of Self (h/t JVT from Crossroads Crossroads Antiracism Organizing and Training). We were asked to think about the question, "When did you first experience a tension between what you were 'supposed' to do and what you felt called to do?" Well, as the rule follower I am, I didn't follow the rules and think about the first time. I immediately started thinking about how I was feeling right then, because, clearly, I was feeling something.

What I was feeling was stuck.
And in the exercise, I got unstuck.

For a while now, and I mean for the past decade+, I have been carrying around this inner turmoil about what I was supposed to be and do and what I was called to be and do. Let me explain, but first, let's take a step back, and let me introduce you to high school Bruce.

For me, Plan I meant that I was supposed to attend college, then attend law school, then work in politics, and ultimately run for public office. After that got derailed, I moved on to Plan II, which included attending seminary, then starting a church, then growing a church, then pastoring a big ass church. Well, that also took some twists and turns, and so now here we are doing what I am now doing. Nowhere on the vocational bingo card was there a Plan III that included be an author, writer, speaker, coach, consultant, podcaster, who always has an anchor gig (or two), occasionally pastoring, starting a very little retirement, volunteering way too much time, who makes an okay living but only does so because of generational wealth and a spouse with healthcare AND is always lowkey stressed about hustling for future gigs with people always wonder and asking, "What exactly do you do?"

When I answered that childhood question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" it was shortstop for the Oakland A's Baseball Club and certainly not "Itinerant Writer and Speaker" or whatever the hell it is I call what I do.

In high school, I asked all the same questions that everyone probably asks when thinking about jobs, vocation, and what they want to be when they grow up.

• What do I love doing?
• What am I good at?
• What makes makes money?
• What looks exciting?
• What would bring me fame?
• What would make a difference?
• What would bring me prestige?
• What is realistic?
• How much school will it take?
• Can I get into that school at all?
• Can I afford that much school if I even got in?
• What if I didn't go to college at all?

If I am honest, even during college and seminary, there was an ongoing battle between call, money, and prestige. And then some church nerd would figure out a way to obnoxiously quote Frederick Buechner —

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

Whatever Fred.

That is one of those aspirational quotes that looks great as a water bottle sticker, but when it comes to housing, food, and student loans, good luck with that. Sorry, but the real world of fiscal and social capitalism values the accent of the ladder of financial and positional success, so there is no room to build and support a culture that encourages the pursuit of calling over climbing. Deep gladness fulfilling deep hunger is a nice idea, but . . .

That might seem harsh, but when it comes right down to it in the world and to a lesser extent in the church, rather than be primarily driven by questions of meaning, being, and calling that help us get to the "place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet," we are primarily driven by questions about how we will define our worth, how we will be perceived, and how we will accumulate wealth, security, and status. To be clear, I trust few of us blatantly do this. I think we have tricked ourselves into thinking that these questions do not drive us; rather, we perform extraordinary acts of ideological gymnastics to justify many decisions to prove that we are not pursuing wealth, security, and status when that is precisely what we are doing.

I know that I have bought into that thinking, both consciously and subconsciously over the years. I have thought that my worth could be found in the climb and in the paycheck. I have believed that a position would bring respect and prestige. And I have pursued a position based solely on ego, with no consideration for the call or its impact on others or myself.

Thankfully, there have been times when I listened to my gut telling me to resist:

• I have entered and dropped out of two doctoral programs because I realized that I was pursuing some degree that I thought would give me some high level of respect.
• I have been a finalist for two middle governing body executive positions and removed my name from consideration when I realized that I could do the work, but there nothing about it was bring my soul gladness.
• I have contemplated multiple requests to submit my name for church positions that I am qualified for at this stage of my career, but have declined once I figured out do to so would be more about massaging my ego than it about answering a call.

Over the past year, I have come to realize that I have been holding tightly onto this tension between what I am supposed to be doing and what I am called to be doing. I know it sounds silly, considering I have been doing this itinerant, tentmaking, giglife thing for so long, but there have always been whispers of "this is not real ministry" in the back of my head all along. Because of this, I have been giving that tension way too much power, which has created a hesitancy that may be holding me back from experiencing that depth of gladness that Buechner is talking about. Again, I enjoy what I do, and I feel like what I do helps some folks, but I don't know if I would say that I have ever felt like a deep gladness has met comensurate hunger. Perhaps it has, perhaps it hasn't, but the point is that I have not given myself permission or the space to explore whether what I am doing is the natural fulfillment of a deep calling or if it is just a bridge season between "real" ministry. A freakling long-ass bridge, but a bridge nonetheless.

As I sat in the room contemplating the questions given to us, I felt like the Spirit was asking me to write down what I believe is my calling right now. I have never been a "personal mission statement" person, but I was feeling like it would be a good idea to massage some words to help give me some focus. Oh crap, am I now Pupose Driven 😱

So this is what I came up with . . . drumroll please.

...and then I thought about the "how" and where I find the most joy these days, where I might dive deeper, and where I might expand my energy and potential earnings. At this moment, I feel most drawn to and positioned to do this through writing (books and newsletters), speaking (events and podcasting), and equipping (delegations and conferences).

... and then the many faces of the "who" made their way into the mix. Because I am not serving a church or a particular community, who am I serving? Everyone is too broad, so when considering to whom I genuinely have something to offer, it seems to be for people who share the same belief systems and may not only be yearning to experience belief and belonging themselves, but also looking for ways to provide it for others. So for this season, the "who" I am called to serve are those who do the same for others (pastors and leaders of congregations, ministries, and organizations.

While my central calling will never change, the "how" and "who" may change depending on my vocational context. I may feel called to return to full-time congregational ministry, I may feel drawn to another type of work that is not directly church related, and at some point, God willing, I will retire.

But at this particular moment in time, the driving force behind where I will put my energy and that of my team, is this . . .

Going through these kinds of exercises, much like the one I did last year is so helpful to remain grounded and get that occasional check-up. In this case, some of the things that I have been noodling about need that extra nudge to get unstuck, so I could permit myself to begin diving in more deeply.

Now you're all in for it 😉

Peace,