Imposter Syndrome, Year 55

Next week, I turn 55, and I still am not sure what I should do with my life vocational. People are always asking, “So what do you do?” and my genuine response is, “That’s a good question.” because honestly, it’s a crapshoot on any given day.

For those who have chosen the itinerant, creative, or gigging life, anxieties about security, worth, and the future are constant and ever-present. It is like a vocational roller coaster: exhilarating, terrifying, and not for everyone. I have been in this kind of life for over a decade, and for the most part, I love it. That said, I can navigate the lean times with less urgency because of some generational wealth, the generosity of my communities, and healthcare via my spouse (a whole other rant).

But I am now entering another season of vocational discernment. And as I wrestle with the questions for the bazillionth, trillionth time, “Should I dive deeper into this life?” “Should I go back to something more secure?” “Should I get a job with a steady paycheck?” or “Should I just keep on keeping on?” one thing remains: that f#@%ing imposter syndrome clown is still whispering, deep into my psyche, “Doesn’t matter what you chose, you are not worthy.”

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For me, my imposter syndrome is only exacerbated by being blatantly underestimated. Yes, I definitely get some benefits for being cis-gendered, male, straight, married, and educated. Yet, in some spaces, because of how I present, what I have accomplished, who I know, or comparisons to others who look like me, I am often blatantly and severely underestimated. I used to gaslight myself and doubt that there were doubters. Bu oh no, folks have told me to my face (and behind my back) that they were surprised (pleasantly and begrudgingly) to experience me as good at whatever I was being asked to do: preach, pastor, write, organize, sportsball, etc.

When I have said, “Why are you surprised?” in response, I usually get some form of, “Oh, um, it’s a compliment.”

“Not sure how, but, oh, um okay.”

Now 30 years into ministry and over a decade in this itinerate life, I've been at this dance a long time. As I shift into another season of discernment, my self-doubt is still ever-present. It never goes away, but I am working on dancing better with it. While some of the doubt comes from an innate and healthy humility, I am striking a better with each time the roller coaster begins its acent. The Imposter Syndrom Gremlins used to rent a McMansion with a pool and guesthouse-sized space in my soul, but over time, I've managed to downsize it to a studio apartment with a Murphy bed and no parking.

At least for today.

I am now more discerning about who I listen to for critique and affirmation. I ask for help more often and I focus on getting better at the things that feed my soul. I pace my day better, say no more often, and refuse to be driven by productivity for the sake of productivity. I will probably figure all of this out just in time for me to be done with my earthly time. I have many trips around the sun left, so I am confident I’ll get there.

So there you go, a quick glimpse into the zoomies of my mind these days. If any of these stories resonate with you, if you still struggle with vocation if you are battling self-doubt, or if you are trying to downsize your impostor syndrome tenant, know that you are not alone — and it gets better-ish.